Bride bullet, dodged

This may come as a shock to some of you, but today Ms. Martha was supposed to become Mrs. Martha. Yes, the plan was for this blogster to be wed in holy matrimony on this, what the experts are calling the "biggest wedding day ever." 7-7-07 was supposed to be a particularly lucky day for so many couples in love--with up to 4 times as many weddings happening on this weekend than there were just one year ago.

So, I've had a lot of time to anticipate this day. I really didn't know what to expect. Part of me thought that I would feel fine...that today wouldn't be any different than any other day. But part of me feared that I might be curled up in the fetal position with a pint of Ben and Jerry's. Fortunately, I haven't had the urge to rock in any corners or binge on sweets or cry as I page through Brides magazine. In fact, I've been just fine. However, I didn't want this day to pass without spending some time thinking about what I've learned during the last 10 months of my life...the amount of time that I've been un-engaged and have been navigating singlehood, recovering from a major break-up, and figuring out what the hell all of it means.

So, here are the bullet points:

Perfect rarely is.
For much of my life, I have tried make things perfect. I have always made lists in order to cross things off of them. I have always wanted things to be neat, organized, preferably with labels on them, in their place. So, inevitably, I tried to make my relationship with my ex perfect, too. To most people, my relationship seemed perfect, but it wasn't (and I didn't correct them). I was going to have a perfect wedding on a perfect day in a perfect dress with a seemingly perfect guy. But, somewhere along the way, I realized that I didn't have perfection and, most importantly, I didn't WANT perfection. I don't think that there's anything inherently wrong with the drive to achieve perfection, but I've come to realize that a) perfection is not really all it's cracked up to be, and b) perfection is not an attribute that should apply to relationships (or people, for that matter). It's not that I think that perfection is bad, necessarily. It's that I see it as boring. I've realized that imperfections can be some of the most beautiful things. Imperfections give things character, they signal uniqueness, and they let you know that it's REAL. I don't want a cookie-cutter life with a perfect house and perfect spouse and perfect kids in a perfect neighborhood...because it doesn't exist. I want things that are real, and I want the imperfections that go along with them. To think that things in life are black and white, that they can be labeled or classified, is silly. Life is complex, it is messy, and I've realized that there is tremendous beauty in the gray, the irregular, the imperfect.

At the end of the day, it's just you.
This realization is the most cynical on this list, but I believe that it's true. I think that the relationships that we share with the people in our lives are extraordinarily important and should be valued as such. I am constantly inspired, humbled, and fulfilled by the relationships I have with friends and family in my life. With that said, however, I also think that--at the end of the day--you need to be content with who you are and what your life means, without relying on your relationships with others. Ending a 6-year relationship--in which I had built a life and dreams for the future with this person--was nothing short of earth-shattering. With one decision, I effectively threw out most of my worldviews and ideas about how life (or at least relationships) works. I have never felt so alone as I have in becoming un-engaged, and this experience has taught me that, ultimately, you are alone in the world. Although this realization is tremendously scary, I think it has also enhanced my perspective on life. In realizing that I am (ultimately) alone in the world, it makes me value the love, intimacy, and support I share with my friends and family more so.

Scare yourself.
I've always loved the quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, "Do one thing every day that scares you," and becoming un-engaged has been the scariest thing I've ever done...by far. If you live in the proverbial comfort zone of life every day, you never get the chance to amaze yourself. If you never push yourself just a bit beyond your capabilities, you will never grow. These are certainly reasons to scare yourself every once in a while. However, I've always thought that you must experience the lowest lows in order to truly appreciate the highest highs. I would certainly rather be happy than sad, fulfilled than unfulfilled...so would most of us. But, I think that to truly appreciate the good things in your life, you need to also experience some of the bad. Although tremendously painful, I have grown and experienced new parts of myself and of life...things that I would have never felt had I not become un-engaged. So, although this decision has caused tremendous pain, it has also created the opportunity for tremendous growth and happiness...not to mention avoiding the potential misery I could have endured being married.

Relationships are living organisms.
Somewhat related to the idea that perfection is overrated, I have also realized a lot about the nature of relationships. Namely, I have come to recognize the importance of treating a relationship like you would any other human being. Relationships are living, breathing organisms and need to be treated as such. They need your attention and love. They need to be challenged. They have a life of their own. They will always change, and you shouldn't try to restrict them. I did my best to create a relationship that could flourish, but I do realize, in hindsight, that I didn't always treat it as a living organism.

Wedding hoopla is ridiculous.
I had a ring, a dress, a cake, a DJ, a church, a reception site, save-the-date cards, and an obnoxiously cute page on www.theknot.com. Having been through about 75% of the planning of a wedding, I can honestly say that it is highly overrated. Is it important to celebrate love and commitment? Yes. Is it important that you blow $20,000+ on one day? No. There is a whole lot of bullshit that surrounds weddings, and I am glad to not be a part of it any longer. If I had it to do all over again, many things would change. The biggest of these changes would probably be a no engagement ring policy. Unless one of you has sentimental heirloom jewelry that has been passed down through the generations, they are a waste of money. Blowing 12K on a ring is stupid. And, there is the obvious feminist objection to an engagement ring: the ring symbolizes that the man has effectively "purchased" the right to marry a woman. No matter how you cut it, there are a lot of ridiculous traditions and customs we do in order to get married, but most of them are optional. Considering that most couples don't really enjoy their wedding day and most of the traditions are for show or are done simply because "that's how we've always done it," people might be happier if they took a more non-traditional approach to marriage.

So, there you have it folks. Had I not overhauled my life, I'd probably be leading the Electric Slide (because I would totally be that bride who's out on the dance floor the entire night), drinking a beer, rocking out in a big white dress, newly hitched right now. Maybe it wouldn't have been all that bad after all. But, most likely, it would have. I had a fulfilling relationship for 6 years, commited myself to someone in an authentic and meaningful way, and learned what it meant to love someone completely. But, I've also learned more about myself and about life in the last 10 months than I probably could have any other way. And I'm not sad about that one bit.

So, at least for now, the bride bullet has been dodged...