What, exactly, is the "Man Card"?

This article discusses the "controversy" erupting over the fact that more men are opting to take women's last names when they get married. On so many levels, this "controversy" is just ridiculous. One guy who clearly doesn't like this trend is quoted as telling a guy who combined his last name with his wife's to create a new name (uh, that seems like a good compromise to me) to give back his "man card." I know you guys like to keep secrets from us (you know, for fear that we'll use it against you later), but what the hell is the "man card"? And, more importantly, where can I go to get one? It seems like it comes in pretty handy for you. Hell, I never even ended up getting married, and people were going ape-shit over the fact that I wasn't going to change my name (What?! You're not *even* going to hyphenate?). (Sigh....) What it must be like to live in a world where no one asks you to give up your identity in order to create a lifetime union with the one you love...

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2007-03-20-names-marriage_N.htm

Happy Women's History Month!

So, March is Women's History Month. The sad part is that a whole lot of people don't know this, so I feel that it's my duty as a good feminist, woman, and human being, to do special things during March to celebrate. Last year I had the idea to celebrate the individual women in my life by writing them each cards to let them know that I think they are truly amazing. I am a firm believer that people, in general, don't do enough to connect with others on a fundamental, human level--whether that is through physical affection, kind deeds, or just simply saying "I love you" or "I think you are an amazing person." It's easy to be self-involved and forget to let others know that you give a damn about them. So, I like to take a moment (or a few hours, really), to write approximately 30 women in my life a note each year...to take a moment to celebrate them.

So, here is this year's installment. To all the kick-ass women who are out there busting their asses to make the world a better place--whether it's for themselves, their children, womankind, or all of humanity--Thank you for YOU!

March 2007

To all the fabulous women in my life:

Happy Women’s History Month!!! This is the 2^nd year that I have decided to celebrate Women’s History Month by recognizing the many strong, intelligent, and inspiring women in my life. You are receiving this note because YOU are a woman that I cherish and admire in my life. You are a woman whose life positively impacts those around you, and because of that, I celebrate YOU this month. In the chaos of my life, I may not always tell you how special you are, but I hope this note reminds you that you have made my life more rewarding by being in it. I celebrate the women in my life for their kindness and compassion, the nurturing they offer their families and friends, and their insight. I celebrate the women in my life for their talents and intellect, their leadership, their strength and courage. I celebrate the women in my life for following their dreams and nourishing the dreams of others. And I celebrate women for all they do each day to make me proud to be a woman.

In reflecting upon the vast array women in my life, I realize that I am so lucky to know so many incredible women. In the past year, the women in my life have done tremendous things. They have battled and triumphed over cancer. They have shown me the beauty of pregnancy and of bringing life into the world. They have shown me how persistence in the face of adversity can reap great rewards. They have gotten out of unhealthy or otherwise stifling relationships and have cultivated ones in which they will flourish. They have reached tremendous professional successes. They have shown me how unconditional love can give life to incredible happiness and intimacy. They have stood up for themselves and fought for justice. The women in my life have done extraordinary things in the past year, and I applaud them.

For those of you who received this card last year, you will remember that the quote on this year’s card is the same as last year’s. Although I hate to be redundant, I decided to go with this version of the card because (a) the quote is a reminder that we must not hesitate to follow our dreams and life ambitions simply because they might not conform to society’s current ideas about women’s “proper” behavior, (b) the card lists a number of amazing women who have fought to improve women’s lives or who are profound examples of the tremendous successes women can attain, and (c) the woman on this card has a “to-do” list of ambitious goals. Women’s History Month is a time to focus on women’s many accomplishments that often go unnoticed or remain inadequately documented in the annals of our history and culture. This card gives a list of some pretty amazing women who have fought injustice and have worked to do incredible things in their lives. Perhaps we can use this month to learn more about what a few of these women have done and use their stories to inspire our own lives. The “to-do” list on this card also reminds us that no goal is too lofty to attain if we so desire (e.g., fight prejudice). I know that in my own life, it is easy to get caught up in the daily “to-do” lists of household chores and groceries to buy. Perhaps tempering these daily “to-do’s” with long-term, self-fulfilling goals would be more rewarding. Ann Richards, the first female governor of Texas who died this past year has a quote that speaks well to this idea. She said, “I do not want my tombstone to read, ‘She kept a really clean house.’ I think I’d like them to remember me by saying, ‘She opened government to everyone.’” She was referring to the fact that, during her governorship, she opened the doors of government to people other than Caucasians and men. About 44 % of her appointees were female, 20 % Hispanic and 14 % black. The daily busy-work will always be there to think about, but the big goals in our lives need to take priority, too, and be included in a meaningful way on our “to-do” lists. And no goal is too unrealistic to obtain.

I celebrate YOU this month, and I hope you can take a moment to celebrate the women in your own life. Maybe you will take a moment this month to learn more about the social issues that face women today or about the struggles women have endured to gain the right to vote or to enter the workforce to support their families. Regardless of how you choose to celebrate Women’s History Month, I hope you realize the strength and ability you possess to positively impact others each day. May you always know of the strength and gifts you have to enrich your life and the lives of those around you, this month and always.

With much love,

Martha

Sorry, Mom

Between learning how to text message and finally getting the Internet at her house, this has been quite a big year for my mom. I couldn't have blogged about it better...

Getting Mom Onto Internet A Sisyphean Ordeal

Future dates, FYI

I hope all of my future dates take the hint....

Area Man An Expert On What Women Hate

Online dating

So, I've decided to give this online dating thing a try. Plenty of my friends have tried it, many of whom have been successful at finding quality, non-psycho men who are now long-term boyfriends, life partners, and even husbands. This fact gives me hope that I, too, might find some interesting people who, at worst, might stare at me while I eat food with them and, at best, might become romantic partners whom I could share my life with. However, being naive to this whole process until now has brought me to ask some interesting questions:

First, what *can't* you do online? In a society that increasingly relies on the internet to do all sorts of things that once seemed outlandish (e.g., choose your favorite wedding package at a Sandals Resort), I wonder if there is any life activity that will remain untouched by cyberspace access. If I can buy everything I need from amazon.com, get campusfood.com to deliver me a late dinner at work, and get a college degree over the internet, I guess it seems silly for me to have to go to a bar/coffeeshop/party/etc. to meet a flesh-n-blood man.

Second, does online dating spare me any of the "hassle" of traditional dating approaches? It seems that the appeal of online dating is that it takes some of the "work" out of the whole process. You know, you don't have to go to a sweaty club and have some nasty guy hit on you or grind up on you on the dance floor (please see "gazelle" discussion in Tranny Got Pack post below for more info on this). You don't have to flirt inappropriately or make some big scene to get someone's interest. Instead, you get a bunch of pictures of strangers who apparently fit your search criteria for "the perfect match" so you can pick and choose at your leisure. But, I don't think that having access to all of these people at your fingertips really makes dating any easier. First, you've got a-holes like Dr. Phil preying on people who are lonely and can't seem to find their "someone," telling them what to do, how to do it, why they are still single, etc. What the hell does Dr. Phil know about dating, anyway? Apparently he is a clinical psychologist, but I'm pretty sure his dissertation was *not* entitled "Mind. Find. Bind.: How to find your perfect online dating match." Then, you've got all this winking crap. I don't respond well to men who wink at me in person, much less over the internet. It actually kind of creeps me out. (Although, at least this way you know the guy is actually winking at you and doesn't just have a nervous twitch or something caught in his eye!) And God forbid you have the chat option, where people can just try to chat with you whenever you're logged into the website. I might be old-fashioned, but I'll just stick with the standard emails of interest, thank you. As far as I can tell, there's still a whole lot of awkward conversation and bullshit that goes along with this whole online dating thing. Not to mention the creepy/stalker factor. Maybe that's not such an issue for men (I don't know), but if the scary 52-year-old guy holding a creepy black cat and the I'm-going-to-masturbate-to-your-picture-later look on his face winks at me one more time, I'm going to end this shit before I even really begin! (Sadly, I'm not making this up, either.)

Third, are profiles of these potential "matches" ever really accurate? I might be privy to some classified information as a social psychologist, but I'm pretty sure that everyone embellishes their profile. EVERYONE overestimates how awesome they are. If you ask a group of people to estimate the proportion of work that they did towards the completion of a group project, the sum of those proportions is ALWAYS going to be more than 100%. So, if everyone thinks they're better than they are and doing more than what they actually do, how is anyone else supposed to know if a person would be a good match based on a profile they wrote? What I also know as a social psychologist is that other people are better judges of our personalities than we are (I say this realizing that there really is no true, objective measure of one's personality). That is, 4 other people who rate me on a variety of personality characteristics will have more consistency in their observations of me than I will in estimating my own traits. What this means is that we never really know what type of person we are...at least in thinking about how others are going to perceive us. So, perhaps the best and most honest approach would be to have good friends write profiles for us.

Then there's always the issue about what to write. You have to come up with some cute, catchy title for your profile, which more times than not, is not terribly interesting. I figured out that you're basically screwed no matter what you write. If you put the standard "Hey, look at me"-type title, it seems desperate or bland. If you write something more catchy, it might come off as corney. Then it's on to your profile. Instead of filling in information for fields like "favorite things" or "interests," it might be more informative to have people complete questions like "What the fuck did you do to screw up your last relationship?," "Most annoying habit(s)," and "Relationship baggage." Yes, everyone likes to watch movies and is "laid-back"...I get it. (I'll admit, I think I wrote "easy-going" in mine...) That's not terribly informative as I wade through cyberspace bachelors. What I do want to know is the "dirt," the things that will be big, red flags to alert me to stay away and avoid wasting my time...or worse, getting my heart broken.

Fourth, do we ever really know what we want in a match? Or better yet, what we need? If everyone knew what to put in their search criteria in order to find their perfect partner, match.com would be bankrupt. I don't doubt that we know what we *want*, but these things may not necessarily be the things that we *need.* I can certainly say that my search terms would never have included some qualities and characteristics that I now know I need based on my experience with standard, old-fashioned dating. I might be a traditionalist, but I think that this at-your-fingertips list of eligible bachelors prevents us from meeting people who would probably be our best matches simply because our search terms are wrong. This approach also makes it easy to think that your perfect match can be labeled or categorized easily based on hair color, interests, or religion. I might be a "tall, dark, and handsome" kind of gal, but maybe my perfect match is short, blonde, and quite average--I might never know this if my search is too constrained. So, I've decided to take the inclusive approach...cast a wide net. But, I do have my standards. Here's what seems to make sense right now:
a) Minimum college education. Progressive, egalitarian men, tend to be educated, although I have certainly met men who prove me wrong on this assumption.
b) No more than one spelling/grammar error in the profile. If you don't know the difference between their/there, than/then or can't figure out how to use spell check, then I don't want to date you.
c) No mention of princes/princesses, white horses, chivalry, etc. Benevolent sexism is soooo last century. I know plenty of men with whom I could be barefoot & pregnant, thank you.
d) Absolutely no pictures of you with your shirt off, flexing your big biceps, or posing in front of your car.
e) If you can't think of more than 4 sentences to write about yourself, then I doubt you'll have more than that to say to me on a date.

With all of these questions in mind, all I've got to say is "It's a jungle out there." Suddenly I realize why my non-feminist friends questioned me so severely when I decided to become un-engaged...
"You DO know how hard it is out here, don't you?"

A sympathetic heart

I think we can all agree that life is hard. It's not necessarily fair all the time...or any of the time. People struggle with all sorts of issues, from addiction and inadequacies to loss of loved ones and lack of resources. Sometimes we stumble upon happiness and comfort, but they are often all too fleeting.

And, a lot of my research confirms that life is, in fact, hard. (Like you or I needed a reminder...)

I have been studying the effects of concealed stigmatized identities (e.g., mental illness, drug/alcohol abuse) for several years now. I have collected survey data from several hundred undergraduate participants who generously share with us information about their identities, their experiences of revealing those identities, and how their identities have affected their lives. To say that I am humbled by some of the responses we get in these surveys is an understatement.

Reading through the responses we get in these studies is quite possibly the most depression-inducing activity I can do on any given day. People describe their concealed identity, usually at length, and these identities cover quite a considerable range. There are people with mental illness. People with weight and appearance concerns. People with abusive or otherwise dysfunctional families. People who've experienced childhood sexual abuse, or assault, or rape. People who've had a death or serious illness in their family or who have some deep dark family secret. People who've had abortions or who have committed felonies. You get the picture.

The first thing I realize when I read through these data sets is that *so many people struggle.*

The second thing I realize is that so much of our collective hurt is due to someone else's doing (e.g., rape, abuse). I'm sure that a lot of people realize that they are inflicting harm on others, but so many of us don't realize how our actions negatively affect others. We go about our individual lives and fail to see how our actions and words can affect the people around us. Sometimes we are too busy or too self-involved to see it, but everything we do and say affects other people. And as this data set indicates, what we do often hurts other people--hurts them to the point that they carry it around, hidden from our view.

The most humbling part of reading about people's experiences is that I realize that we interact with people everyday who carry around hidden identities and are hurting and we don't even know it. One of the responses that has been most unsettling to me is from someone who indicated that her hidden identity was that she was raped at a party. When asked how long she has had this identity, she listed "2 weeks." I am so completely saddened by the thought that there are so many people walking around with these experiences, these burdens, this hurt. We each probably interacted with at least one person today that has a concealed identity--something so stigmatizing or hurtful that it seems unbearable to describe to other people. I don't know about you, but if my current daily behavior is any indication of how I probably interacted with such a person, I should be ashamed. The problem with being self-focused and busy and inattentive to others (and we all are, to some extent) is that we risk being total jackasses to other people, especially to those who already have so much to struggle with. We all struggle. We all hurt. That is why it is so ironic and down right disturbing that we are so distant and unkind to one another. If we each read through a dataset such as this once a week--or just discussed in a real way with other people how we struggle or hurt--we would probably be better people, probably be more considerate of others. We might be more likely to share our burdens with others and be more likely to help others bear their burdens, too. I can't help but think that by sharing ourselves in such a way, that we might someday develop a more sympathetic collective heart. And wouldn't that be good for all of us?